A New Disease Rapidly Becoming An Epidemic

That's right. Twice as viral as AIDS, and more potent than Ebola. You thought the Avian Flu was bad? This is the Hitler of diseases. There is no hiding. The only vaccine is unattainable by the CDC. More than once a day you will come into contact with someone infected by this contagion. Protect yourself against contamination by learning this simple phrase you just have to repeat during contact: "Thou Shalt Not One Up". It's older than Methuselah, and it's proven effective.

Fluidity of assimilation is ever present while continuity of individuality has gone to the slaughter. Packaged and shipped off in boxes labeled “equality”. People are jonesing to keep up with the Jones'. Not only is it sad, it's annoying. People just want to be other people. Which is fine as long as you aren't giving me an account of how you are doing it. I used to think that it was mostly about the cosmetic or superficial aspects of everyday that people liked to rub in, but it has come to my attention lately that those infected have no boundaries. The mental corruption will make it's best attempt to trump absolutely anything. They have to wash more dishes than you do, and those dishes are dirtier than yours. They always have less money than you, and drive better cars and live in bigger houses. I've even seen an exercise one up by a bitch that has only seen the side view of a treadmill.

A one up is easy to recognize. Often they start with "well I...". Or "dude, dude, I totally...". If you find yourself confronted with such a situation you have a few choices. You can quiet them quickly by causing massive contusions to their lips. You can simply tell them to STFU. It works well, but after that you might be forced into choice one. If the person is a loved one, the zoning out method can be employed. My favorite method is as soon as the one up starts to escape their already tainted mandible I pull out my Glock, point it at their forehead, and say the following: "If ever you become audible in my vicinity I will not hesitate to create an invisible ice cream cone in your skull". All of which I say with a smile and with the utmost courtesy. No need to forgo decency. If none of those work, try the Pryor method, which is to ask them if they have ever ridden a dinosaur. When they say no, tell them that you have several times and say, "have a coke, a smile, and shut the fuck up". That one always works.

For those of you already infected, (first of all GFYS), you can recognize your symptoms and immediately expurgate the disease. Someone you are having a conversation with will mention something that you have had an experience with and you will feel an overwhelming need to insert some story about your similar experience. Here is where the disease will take control of your synapses and say something that could be considered a one up. A crime punishable by a fat lip. If what you are about to say has no bearing on the conversation then it is a one up. What that means is that if it contributes nothing to the evolution of the colloquy, or that it in some way diminishes the benefaction of the person whom you may be one upping then you shouldn't say it.

Ex. Guy: "Man, work was hard today. Almost got decapitated by a strut spring"

Ass-hat: "Try carrying a ton of bricks back and forth for eight hours in the hot
sun all day"

While the ass-hat obviously had a hard day, he has turned the conversation into a "bitch-fest". Which is NOT COOL. I repeat, NOT COOL. Your vagina's have become sandy, and nobody likes that. What the ass-hat said did nothing but end the conversation, and make everyone there hate the beach. His entire premise for what he said was based on pride. All he did was trump Guy. What Ass-hat should have said was something to get more of the story. Or nothing at all. Once Guy finishes his story he should say "how was your day". There is your cue. If he doesn't ask after bitching about his day then he become the ass-hat. See how that works?

Like my buddy James says, "Not everyone is meant to be SOMETHING". I agree. So don't impose your insecurities into someone else's conversation. I can absolutely, without error, guarantee you that no one gives two squirts of piss about anything you have to bitch about if you are only touting.

If you find yourself a victim of a one up then you have been infected. How can you be a victim of something like that you pansy. Quitcherbitchin and punch them in the mouth. Now who's the victim?