I hear Montana is nice this time of year, but I'm bringing my pigs.

There's a reason they call it meantime. It's just that, mean. I can't help but think that it's all meantime in one respect or another. We are always between things. As soon as we finish one thing it's on to another. From one relationship, home, school, job, paradigm to another, forever seeking to attain or survive. Everything that we have ends, and something new in its place rises. We all know that most of the time, new construction is a bad thing. More expensive traffic tickets, roads kicking up all sorts of debris, can't get anywhere on time, and it's all done in the meantime. Makes you want to grit your teeth. Being about to do something perpetually is a tiring thought. There will always be a task. Something to complete, to finish in an effort, merely, to start something new. Accomplishment is a fairy tale. When is it enough? It doesn't matter, because once you've reached enough, there's enough of something else you haven't reached. This is why I can't sleep. It's an old argument, but it's an eternal truth.

As awful as the meantime might be, it can diverge into something of value. If you're lucky. You see, it brought me to Las Vegas, and it's going to take me to Montana, Oregon, California and God knows where else. Why? Because, why not. BOOM! I know, my brain exploded too. Just go. Don't think, do. Risk is where life is. Not love, money, or God. Take a big enough risk and come out on top, and I dare you to say you don't feel like you just climbed Everest. Church makes you cry, love makes you cry, money makes you cry. I understand that risk has a lot of crying involved, but when the coin lands on heads, there's no greater feeling. Winning. Charlie got that part right.

The point is, I was asked if I wanted to go build a cabin in Montana for two months, and I didn't even hesitate, "Uh, fuck yeah I want to go to Montana". I don't even care about building a secluded log cabin from 38" logs, I just want to go to Montana. Because I've never been there, that's why. Shutup. Because none of it really matters anyway. I know how very emo that sounds, but look at it a with a little logic. It doesn't does it? Toldjuh. Seriously though, it's about not wanting to be the guy that says, "man I wish I would have ______". I'd rather have regrets than something else to daydream about. I could have actual memories. When you are laying on your deathbed, that's what you're going to be thinking about.

People have a tendency to fill roles. It's a creepy thing, but it happens. I like to think that I'm more dynamic than that now, but I still have my moments. If nothing else over the past year, I've learned to be quiet. I don't communicate much anymore. That seriously pissed people off. Talk is a very cheap thing, but listening is gold. Silence is lead, and listening is the Da Vinci formula. If you don't take my advice about the risks, at least try and be quiet. Just for one day. Make a serious effort to say as little as possible without causing much suspicion or social discomfort. You'll be surprised what you can learn from people when you aren't contemplating what you are going to say next.

Obviously, I'm a little crazy so you probably shouldn't listen to me. But then again, so was Da Vinci. And even again, so is Charles Manson. Depends on the flavor I guess. All I'm trying to get across is that you shouldn't waste your time waiting or talking. Act and be rewarded, and inevitably punished. Either way, live. So, I'm going to Montana, and my pigs are coming with me.

I'm a tall drink of water. The problem is, the glass is half full.

Behind every great man is a nagging bitch.

I've always been the nice guy. Courtesies, and chivalry abounding. You know what else is abounding? Do yuh? My lawyer fees. Not only do we finish last, but then we have to pay the sumbitch that finished first. Losing in such an epic fashion will make you look twice before crossing that bridge again. I know I've been practicing my riddling skills. That troll won't get my $3.50 again, Goddamnit!

Back to the point. I've seen enough relationships from the outside to know that guys are assholes. They are always dick heads. This was something I used to be proud of. I'm so patient and selfless all the time. I never do anything she doesn't approve of and I sit through all of her reality tv and act interested.

Wow.

Guys cheat, beat, and generally antagonize to the best of their ability. A whole lotta upper level selfishness. I couldn't figure out why every dude I knew was nicer to his dog than his "ole lady", and then, epiphany. It's evolution. Men are mice. Women are electrified cheese. You see, back in the day women had very limited roles. The "family unit" didn't come along until long after the beginning of our species. Women cooked and had babies. Procreation and digestion. Men told them when to do both or else it was club to head. It went along like this for a long time. That's the more general evolutionary aspect of why women are usually treated as insignificant by their significant other. It's in our nature.

I'm gonna try not to get too Scientology about this.

A mind evolves as it ages the same way that a species does. A psyche has a much shorter existence so it evolves much faster and eventually returns to it's fetal beginnings, but it works more on conditioning or adaptation which are just cogwheels in the evolution clock. So, as you age and experience the tyranny derived from the nice guy routine, typically, you squash that shit and start laying down a strong pimp hand. When you go all alpha male and put a bitch in her place, things are good, so why stop? All women complain about it and do nothing. Buy her flowers and tell her she gives you the Christmas morning sensation every time you think her name and

you might as well pack your bags. Don't give me some line about how all women aren't like that. Point a finger at one. You will stand forever, fists closed. Women are evil. I can prove it mathematically.

Women require time and money.

Women = Time X Money.

We all know that time is money.

Time = Money. So...

Women = Money X Money. Or Women = Money^2

Money is the root of all evil. Money = evil.

Now just plug it in and reduce

Women = (evil)^2.

Women = Evil

Now to the mouse.

A mouse in a box. There is an empty plate and a plate with cheese wired to blow. Unknowingly, the mouse bites into the succulent cheddar only to receive a dose of mini-electric chair. The mouse repeats this until it realizes that when it bites the cheese it hurts. Conditioning. We leave the mouse and it begins to squint from the hunger pains. This is where humanity diverts from the behavior of lab rats. We get angry. We are starving and the cheese is parked on front street. So, we say fuck it and sneak bites, slowly gaining a tolerance to the jolts. Adaptation. That gets old, the cave man comes out punches, kicks, and scratches until completely out of breath and about to pass out from the constant electrocution. Once all that is done with, a little logic kicks in and we chew through the cord until the cheese is sacrosanct once more. After that we pee on the exposed wires and tell the cheese to get it's ass moving, because dinner won't cook itself. After that life is good. The cheese has no control and if you punch it in the right spot you can't see it when it's dressed. The mouse lives happy and the cheese is satisfied. After all, cheese really only wants to be eaten in the end anyway.

Moral of the story? Bitches are evil and need to be controlled in order to preserve our existence. If women controlled everything we would all perish in moments. It would bring on the apocalypse. I'm serious. God and Adam had a conversation about it.

God: Adam, for one of thine haunches you shall receive a mate superior to any you may have dreamt of.

Adam: Seriously? You want one of my legs?

God: It will take thus to create such a being.

Adam: What could I get for a rib?

God: Ugh. Listen, if you want a woman worth no more than a rib, you will have to keep her in line.

Adam: Oh, come on. Do you realize how much time it takes to bask in your glory? I can't be responsible for her too.

God: If ever there comes a time when all men are subservient to women, I'm scrapping the whole thing and letting Steve take over.

Adam: Fine, fine. I'll watch her. That reminds me, Steve is in that tree with the fruit I can't eat, and he's doing that "I'm invisible" thing with his hands. It's creepy. He didn't have his helmet on.

God: Learn from my mistake and don't create a son while you're drunk. Thank Me, Jesus turned out so fantastic. I'll send Michael to fetch him from the tree and take him back to his cage.

See, apocalypse. Still don't believe me? I have even more proof that women are inherently evil.

I have an ac window unit that requires 230 volts to work, but my outlets are all 120. Is there any way to make it work?

Sadly, there isn't a way to make it work short of changing one or the other. Completely removing it's source of power and converting it is your only option.

Which brings me to my point. Those that rally about welfare and "social justice" do not understand either. Welfare being financial or other assistance to an individual or family from a city, state, or national government. Social justice being the equal distribution of advantages and disadvantages within a society. As it turns out, you can't have both. Why you might ask? I'll tell you. Because you asked nicely. Food stamps, unemployment, WIC, section 8, medicare or caid, healthcare, or any other form of government assistance are provided by money. Simple right? Wrong. The government is not a business. None of it's offices create anything that anyone is buying. So, how do they get their money? Taxes. Where do taxes come from? Not from storks or Santa, I'll tell you that much. Taxes come from working A-mericans. They do a job, their employer (who also pays a tremendous amount of taxes on their revenue) pays them, and Uncle Sam takes a percentage of it based on how much they earn in a year. Then, our government takes that money and disperses it amongst it's various offices (flushes it down several high grade toilets. With jet engines providing the suction). Several of those offices take care of the different aspects of our welfare system.

In short: you pay the government part of the money you earned, they pay themselves, and then disperse some of what' left amongst people without ambition or a sense of self dependency. No, I'm not talking about the exceptions.

"But wait a minute. Didn't you say that social justice was an equal distribution?" Yes, yes I did. According to the definition social justice means communism, or capitalism if you were watching closely. The great thing about America is that opportunities are available for everyone. Now I know all of you bleeding hearts out there are worried about those in slums and those that grew up in broken homes that just don't have that leg up. Here's a tip for you: don't ever, ever go full retard. Both of my parents were drug addicts. I left when I was 15. I've slept in cars, parking lots, and very scary woods. I went to 5 different highschools (working the whole time) and graduated with a 3.8. I got out of highschool and got a job. I've been doing that for 5 years now. I'm in my second year of college with a 4.0. Everyone has the same opportunities dipshit.

Where was I? Oh, if you take money from someone doing what they can to succeed (money being an advantage, obviously) and give it to someone else that isn't trying to succeed what have you done? You've created a socially unjust society. You've also taken away incentives to succeed. "I'd find a job, but my unemployment doesn't run out for another 3 months." Yes, I heard someone say that.

To be clear: you cannot take away something rightfully earned from someone and give it to someone who hasn't earned it and it be just. Welfare x 0 = social justice. Or Welfare x infinite = social justice. Charity should come from the church or community, but that's a different blog all together.

As far as equally distributing disadvantages, that's just preposterous. And, it's communism. Every time someone got a cent more than someone else, you'd have to take it away from them. Every time someone lost a limb and couldn't work, you'd have to start lopping appendages off one by one. I'd go further, but it seems obvious.

Don't get me wrong. Welfare only takes up about 6% of our GDP and I understand that there are those that really need it, but there are a lot more that use it and don't. You've all seen the Jaguar driving, food stamp using, nine kid having, jobless leeches that plague our society. You've probably also seen the Moe Rons that preach about the disadvantaged and disenfranchised that only need a helping hand to make their lives better. The Constitution was talking about a different kind of welfare. Try reading it and The Declaration of Independence. You might learn something. Let the left wing, bleeding heart assault begin! I am an AMERICAN, and I succeed. It's what we do.

A New Disease Rapidly Becoming An Epidemic

That's right. Twice as viral as AIDS, and more potent than Ebola. You thought the Avian Flu was bad? This is the Hitler of diseases. There is no hiding. The only vaccine is unattainable by the CDC. More than once a day you will come into contact with someone infected by this contagion. Protect yourself against contamination by learning this simple phrase you just have to repeat during contact: "Thou Shalt Not One Up". It's older than Methuselah, and it's proven effective.

Fluidity of assimilation is ever present while continuity of individuality has gone to the slaughter. Packaged and shipped off in boxes labeled “equality”. People are jonesing to keep up with the Jones'. Not only is it sad, it's annoying. People just want to be other people. Which is fine as long as you aren't giving me an account of how you are doing it. I used to think that it was mostly about the cosmetic or superficial aspects of everyday that people liked to rub in, but it has come to my attention lately that those infected have no boundaries. The mental corruption will make it's best attempt to trump absolutely anything. They have to wash more dishes than you do, and those dishes are dirtier than yours. They always have less money than you, and drive better cars and live in bigger houses. I've even seen an exercise one up by a bitch that has only seen the side view of a treadmill.

A one up is easy to recognize. Often they start with "well I...". Or "dude, dude, I totally...". If you find yourself confronted with such a situation you have a few choices. You can quiet them quickly by causing massive contusions to their lips. You can simply tell them to STFU. It works well, but after that you might be forced into choice one. If the person is a loved one, the zoning out method can be employed. My favorite method is as soon as the one up starts to escape their already tainted mandible I pull out my Glock, point it at their forehead, and say the following: "If ever you become audible in my vicinity I will not hesitate to create an invisible ice cream cone in your skull". All of which I say with a smile and with the utmost courtesy. No need to forgo decency. If none of those work, try the Pryor method, which is to ask them if they have ever ridden a dinosaur. When they say no, tell them that you have several times and say, "have a coke, a smile, and shut the fuck up". That one always works.

For those of you already infected, (first of all GFYS), you can recognize your symptoms and immediately expurgate the disease. Someone you are having a conversation with will mention something that you have had an experience with and you will feel an overwhelming need to insert some story about your similar experience. Here is where the disease will take control of your synapses and say something that could be considered a one up. A crime punishable by a fat lip. If what you are about to say has no bearing on the conversation then it is a one up. What that means is that if it contributes nothing to the evolution of the colloquy, or that it in some way diminishes the benefaction of the person whom you may be one upping then you shouldn't say it.

Ex. Guy: "Man, work was hard today. Almost got decapitated by a strut spring"

Ass-hat: "Try carrying a ton of bricks back and forth for eight hours in the hot
sun all day"

While the ass-hat obviously had a hard day, he has turned the conversation into a "bitch-fest". Which is NOT COOL. I repeat, NOT COOL. Your vagina's have become sandy, and nobody likes that. What the ass-hat said did nothing but end the conversation, and make everyone there hate the beach. His entire premise for what he said was based on pride. All he did was trump Guy. What Ass-hat should have said was something to get more of the story. Or nothing at all. Once Guy finishes his story he should say "how was your day". There is your cue. If he doesn't ask after bitching about his day then he become the ass-hat. See how that works?

Like my buddy James says, "Not everyone is meant to be SOMETHING". I agree. So don't impose your insecurities into someone else's conversation. I can absolutely, without error, guarantee you that no one gives two squirts of piss about anything you have to bitch about if you are only touting.

If you find yourself a victim of a one up then you have been infected. How can you be a victim of something like that you pansy. Quitcherbitchin and punch them in the mouth. Now who's the victim?